My mother would often say this to me as a child.
Interesting that my mother’s words and actions were always in tandem.
She often said that I was “never wanted, a mistake, mentally insufficient and stupid”.
Her actions showed this as well.
My father (I have only two good memories of him, I have years and years worth of abusive memories of him). When my mother “saved me” from my father’s abuse; she shunned me emotionally, she lashed out physically and verbally because “something was wrong with ‘me’”.
I attempted to overcome my lacking in my mother’s eyes.
So as I child,
I worked harder, did more.
My father left when I was 5,
I moved out at 16.
By then I had had all the physical, emotional, sexual and mental abuse I could handle.
I knew I was not old enough or wise enough to be an adult at 16.
But I knew I needed a life change if I was ever going to get to adulthood.
I went to 12 schools by the time I graduated high school. (6 elementary, 2 junior high and 4 high schools.)
Stability and nurturing… these things were sorely missing from my youth.
As a young wife I did everything to be the perfect
‘Suzy Homemaker’.
Yet I was lonely and isolated.
So I tried harder and did more.
As my children filled my life,
for the first time I knew unconditional love.
I wanted them to know how perfect they were in my eyes and how much I love each one of them.
I may have fallen short in many ways as a parent, but I adore my children more than I can say.
My marriage lasted 24 years.
As an adult in my forties I saw a counselor with the intention of working through the past.
I know now, that this process, where you write down every single life event you can chronology remember; the good, bad, illness, happenings and everything … this is one of the most painful things I have done to myself.
It took me several months, and my folder was filled. It dredged from suppressed depth, things I had locked away.
Painful, overwhelming things.
I learned from it that loneliness and panic can stem from neglect and not just from the abuse.
When you are neglected as a child, you long to be loved. When you are neglected as an adult you long for normalcy. When your role models and partners are unhealthy, you work harder and do more.
So I worked harder and did more.
Along with my counselor, I had a great “Life Guru” for several years. (Truly my Superman)
He told me to take that emotionally loaded file I created of all my past and mentally
“burn it fucking down”.
I did.
For the first time in my life I felt free from my past. It is still there. But it can no longer hold me back.
I will continue to work harder and do more. It’s ingrained in me.
I now look for those whose actions speak louder than their words in positivity. They are a rare group of individuals.
I hope that as I continue my life path, that my words and actions are positive and in tandem.
*I wrote this several years ago, but never published it. I wasn’t looking for a pitty party.
I am the person I am today because of all I have been through.
I am happy with me, and I can honestly say I truly like myself.
But I’m publishing this today because I know that I am not one of the few that have lived through rocky roads, but one of the many.
To those who this feels familiar…
Gather the negative from your past, and mentally burn it down.
Then pick up the bits of you that you like, gather new bits along the way. Make sure your words and actions are positive and honest. And keep moving forward, creat the life you want to love.
♥️ AM
